Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
