you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
