I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
