We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
