if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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