you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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