So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize