Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
