when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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