dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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