Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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