you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
