Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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