Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
