You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
