my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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