I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
