also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There's always time for handjobs
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize