After last night, I could never be a politician.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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