Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
