she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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