'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
