she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize