Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
