genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
