He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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