I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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