watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
