u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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