I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
he just fucked me for my cheese..
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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