Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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