And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
