At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
