Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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