you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize