i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
