i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
