Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You did what with his pubic hair?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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