What tipped you off? The sombrero?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
