there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
