You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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