Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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