I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If I die, sorry about rent.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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