At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
