i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
