Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
