Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
