There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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