It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
