come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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