I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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