just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
