I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
