i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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