Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
sarcasm needs its own font
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
