I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
