I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Drunk is not a location!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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