please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize