Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
