So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
