I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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