Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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