Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
