Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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