i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
