Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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