So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
