im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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