Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
