Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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