You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
