Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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