Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
