It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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