I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize