dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
