chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
