don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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