I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Randomize
