why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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